WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD TV THEME SONGS?

Can you sing the words to any current TV show? And “Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men…” doesn’t count.

That’s because there are none, no words.

Remember "Mr. Ed?" “A horse is a horse, of course, of course…”
And "The Adams Family" “They’re creepy and they’re spooky….”
How about "Car 54 Where Are You?" “There’s a hold-up in the Bronx, Brooklyn’s broken out in fights…..Khrushchev’s due at Idyllwild….Car 54 where are you?”
Everybody remembers "The Beverly Hillbillies," “Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed…up from the ground come a bubbling’ crude…oil that is….Texas tea ”
How could we ever forget "Gilligan’s Island….".”Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… a three hour tour, a three hour tour….”
And, of course, "Green Acres," “Green Acres is the place for me, farm livin’ is the life for me..”

What has happened? Why don’t we hear those great theme songs anymore? Even in the 70’s with goofy shows like “Three’s Company” there were still theme songs. Are the producers just not putting the money into theme songs? Or, is it because there are more commercials and not enough time for theme songs?

All we seem to have now is one word themes like “Men,” titled, I assume “Men,” for “Two And A Half Men” that goes “Men, men, men, men, manly men, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo, doo doo….” Come on. Can’t we do better than that???????

If it’s money, can’t the networks pitch in? When they spend a gazillion dollars on NFL half time shows that feature performers like Faith Hill or Toby Keith (singing songs that you don’t remember five minutes later) can’t they throw a few bucks to their leading shows to give them a theme song?

Are they going to use these current generic crummy theme songs again? Maybe it’s kind of like “re-gifting.” Some people get something they don’t like for Christmas, so they “re-gift.” I have a relative and his wife who are famous for that. Perhaps the networks are thinking that by using the current unrecognizable generic theme songs for the 2009-2010 season, that by 2013 they can bring them back and attach them to another show. I guess that’s the same concept as church construction today. A friend of mine is a commercial loan officer at a major bank in Chicago. He said they would not loan money to new churches if they look like a church. HUH??? Asked why, he said, “When they go under, we want to be able to rent or sell the building. A traditional church with a steeple is hard to sell to Wal-Mart.” So, are re-useable theme songs the way of the future?

“Mash” and “Hill Street Blues” and “Hawaii 5-0” all had very recognizable instrumental themes. “Dick Van Dyke” and “The Carol Burnett Show” had great themes. “The Andy Griffith Show” theme consisted of whistling and everyone who grew up in the 60’s can instantly whistle that one. “The Twilight Zone” had four notes repeated over and over, but you knew you were going to get the heck scared out of you for the next thirty minutes.


Even the animated characters had theme songs. “Bugs Bunny,” “Woody Woodpecker,” and “The Muppets” all had recognizable theme songs.

Generally speaking, some of the commercials have better music than the shows. And that’s sad. When the best music you hear on TV is the broken-hearted mop singing the 1977 hit “Baby, Come Back” because the woman jilted it for a new Swifter mop, it’s apparent we are in a music wasteland.

As writers, I will volunteer Vince and myself to write a new, recognizable theme song if you should invent a new, successful and profitable hit TV show. We’ll talk royalties later. You can even own it….just bring back the music!!!!

HOOVER DAM STORE IS DAM FUNNY

As one of the many “wonders of the world,” The Hoover Dam on the Nevada/Arizona border is impressive. I’m not sure where this really ranks in the “wonders of the world” list because there are so many.

This past week, NBC’s Today Show credited the new Dallas Cowboy’s Stadium with being the “eighth wonder of the world.” NBC apparently made this claim because: 1. The Today Show was broadcast live from there on Friday, complete with Dallas Cheerleaders surrounding Al and Matt (Note to parents of teenage girls: strongly encourage them to rid their vocabulary of the word “amazing” before they are 21. Between three Cheerleaders, it was used 11 times in 35 seconds) ; 2. NBC carried the Cowboys vs. Giants game live last night. So, naturally, in NBC’s eyes, the new Dallas Cowboy Stadium has become the newest “wonder of the world.” And because Jerry Jones said so.

The Hoover Dam truly is one of the "wonders of the world," but which one? According to Wikipedia, it is one of the Seven Wonders of the Industrial World, and it shows up as a “wonder” several other times as well. I didn’t know there were so many "wonders": Seven Wonders of the Medieval World, Wonders of the Travel World, Seven Wonders of the Underwater World, Seven Wonders of the Ancient World and now USA Today’s New Seven Wonders. Now Cowboy’s Stadium (also called the “Dallas Palace”) has been added to that list by NBC.

But this isn’t about the newest “wonder of the world” and Jerry Jones. It’s about the Hoover Dam gift shop, the best Dam gift shop anywhere.

Last summer, we were in Vegas and decided we’d take a side trip to the Hoover Dam, about 25 minutes away, because it was so incredibly hot in Vegas. Being the untrained meteorologists we are, we thought getting to a higher elevation, out of the dessert, would bring some relief. Wrong…it’s hotter there.

So we took our rented Jeep and went to the Dam. We took the very impressive tour, went down into the Dam and heard a lot about its construction, history, the challenges, etc. It was interesting, but for two people who can hardly hang a picture or a towel rack (a four-month project of Vince’s) it was over our heads.

After being underground for an hour where it was cold, we were glad to get outside, thinking it would be perhaps in the 80’s or 90’s. Wrong. It was approaching 110 at 11:00 a.m. The tour guide told us it could be as much as ten degrees hotter than Vegas, so once again we made an incorrect weather prediction. Now we were walking around the outside of the Dam. And it was Dam hot!


Anxious to get back into air conditioning before walking up a steep hill to get the car, I wanted to go to the gift store. Whenever I go anywhere, whether it’s a “wonder of the world” or not, I go to the gift store.



Vince wanted a “backscratcher,” one of those tacky long plastic things with fingers that you used to find at Myrtle Beach… until you are seriously looking and can never find one. I found one at the Dam Shop, and I was so happy. Then, I had to get the obligatory shot glass for my daughter who has a hundred or so shot glasses. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s value in shot glasses, but she has them from everywhere. When I’ve visited famous churches or serious museums, Julianne wants me to get her a shot glass. Some places just don’t have shot glasses in their gift stores. But I knew, since I already had the tacky backscratcher, shot glasses wouldn’t be hard to find.

With backscratcher, post cards and shot glass in hand, I went to check out. The clerk, obviously a stand up comic in Vegas, used the word “Dam” as many times as he possibly could while ringing up my Dam treasures.

“Oh, I see you have a Dam shot glass. Pretty Dam nice. We have the best Dam shot glasses at the Dam….Oh, and a handy little Dam backscratcher. These are Dam handy, and always remember where you got it …at the Dam. Dam post cards? Well, you can never have enough Dam post cards. These are Dam good…and pretty at that,” he said, proclaiming all that’s good at the Dam.

At this point, I was really laughing because this guy was Dam funny. He probably performed the midnight show at one of the lesser casinos, but he was Dam quick on his feet.

“So, are you paying in Dam money or credit card,” He Damingly asked.

This went on for another five minutes. I can’t begin to explain how many times he used “Dam” in his checkout routine. This guy was good.

I went over to tell Vince just how Dam funny this guy was, but he had already checked out with a lesser not-so-funny Dam clerk, and he didn’t want to get back in line to buy something.

So we left, Dam souvenirs in hand, and went out into the stifling 110 degree plus Dam heat back to the car. It was the best Dam experience I’ve ever had. Or, as they say in Dallas, “amazing.”

Fake picture of us in front of Hoover Dam

Create your own visitor map!

WAKING UP WITH….AL???
A mini-blog for the day

All these people wake up with Al every day. Do you? (photo courtesy NBC)

Am I the only one in the country who is NOT waking up with Al? NBC, MSNBC, CNBC and now The Weather Channel are running commercials featuring everyone from Quentin Tarrantino to Conan O’Brien who are all WAKING UP WITH AL! It must be crowded in there. Al Roker is on The Weather Channel from 6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. every morning. Everyone with a pulse is “waking up with Al.” Don’t we get enough of Al from 7:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. on The Today Show?

Being the rude celebrities of the week that they are, I think NBC ought to capitalize on the Congressman Jim Wilson (R-SC), tennis star Serena Williams and rapper Kanye West craze. How about some commercials with Al and these loud mouth clowns?

If they woke up with Al, what do you think the dialogue would be?

“Congressman Wilson, do you wake up with Al?”
“You lie! MBC lies! Al lies! Obama lies!…and I’m not sorry,” Wilson screams.

“Serena Williams, do you wake up with Al?”
“#$%&*()))_&^%*&! You can take that microphone and ##### ^^%$# ****^^. Al who?” Serena shouts.

“Kanye West, do you wake up with Al?”
“Hell, yes, I wake up with Al…but, wait, Al can do his weather rap later. Beyonce’s music video is the best of all time in the history of the world ever..and she can do the weather better than anybody including Al. And she wakes up with Al, too,” Kanye yells.

So much for civility.

Do YOU wake up with Al?

Cool Jobs I Never Had

As another Labor Day passed on Monday, I began thinking about all the cool jobs I never had. When I was a kid, I thought I might want to be: 1. a veterinarian; 2. a meteorologist; 3. an astronomer. This was after I recited the required childhood goals of actress, dancer and Mouseketeer. I loved animals, I was interested in the weather and the night sky always fascinated me. Then, I found out science was involved.

Being a vet would be cool, I once thought. Until it came time for the blood and guts. The next best thing to being a vet is having a daughter who is currently a vet tech. The stories she tells me are filled with details of operating room procedures, dogs who have been hit by cars and many unspeakable things. Thank heaven for people in that profession. I’ve $upported them well over the years. Meteorology would be an interesting profession, but I learned there was a lot of science AND math, my downfall. Some meteorologists must be grandfathered out of that requirement. Willard Scott once told me “Melanie, I don’t have a clue. I hold my finger up in the air and try to figure out which way the wind is blowing.”

Becoming an astronomer and looking at stars would be neat, too, but once again, that took a lot of math, and even the really tough stuff like calculus. I barely got through high school algebra. To this day I don’t know how A + B = C. I still say that’s comparing apples and oranges.

So, had no math or science skills. But I did have a lot of music, dance and skating skills (which I already knew paid badly), so I went into journalism and broadcasting, areas in which you really need no skills at all….except writing. The problem of not having a job is prevalent in this industry. There are always great opportunities to be laid off. If you want to go to journalism school, you’d better get used to saying “Do you want fries with that?”

The day of my college graduation from UT, I traveled to Washington, D. C. where I was hired as Press Secretary for my congressman from Illinois. Capitol Hill is a great training ground for those with no skills. You learn graduate level Lying 101. After a year on the Hill, I went to the White House Press Office. This, I soon learned, was lying on the PhD. level. This was for the big boys and girls. There was a bit of acting there, too, and I wish I had paid more attention to an acting class I had to take at UT. The White House level of spin was a challenge. Not only did you know the answers the press wanted and couldn’t give them, but you had to look stupid, without being stupid and let them know that you knew that they knew that you knew the answers. Every day was a challenge.

Still, with no discernable skills as a writer/PR person and having lost my job in the presidential election, I went on to the Chamber of Commerce of the U.S. as a lobbyist. This was fun, and they paid you well for it. These were not life and death national security issues. This wasn’t nearly as hard as working for local or national constituents. This was creative and you got to spin things much more.

My daughters had some interesting ideas about their future vocations when they were little. Lindsay wanted to be a clown. She was really into clowns until her sister Maren told her that clowns couldn’t have babies. This clown reproductive theory was a raging battle at our house for years. And now, we have the last laugh since the clown gave birth to Clarissa, a little clown. Now a music teacher (not at Clown College), Lindsay switched to music somewhere along the way.

Julianne wanted to be a “Barbie Doll clothes scientist.” We never figured out what that meant, but, being the youngest, she was always being teased about this potential career. This provided years of laughs for the other two. This glamorous goal of Julianne’s never made sense to me, because all the Barbies, and we had hundreds of them, were always naked. They never had clothes on, thanks to Julianne. In fact, most had short or no hair because she cut their hair. Often they were beheaded, for whatever bizarre reason. When we had a major flood in the basement, a frequent occurrence in that house, all of the naked and beheaded Barbies floated around in a bizarre river of doll death. Making the segue from Barbie fashionista, Julianne is now a theatrical lighting designer.

Maren is the only who stayed permanently focused on her childhood dream of helping animals. She sees the most gruesome stuff every day, but she keeps cool and loves her job. Maren did, though, at about 12 years old, have one potential vocation in mind and that was to be a nun. She said it only lasted for 15 minutes. Sister Mary Partyondude.

What did you want to be when you were a kid? Send me some quotable thoughts. It’s always interesting to hear what people have to say. Vince, for instance, wanted to be a cowboy until he learned he was afraid of cows. That’s the title of one of his books.

SEPTEMBER 11th, EIGHT YEARS LATER
Everybody writes about September 11th – where they were, what they were doing, whose fault it was, conspiracy theories, and the list of topics is endless.

I was in a unique place. I was with two hundred World War II era survivors and veterans. Having seen the horrors of war, they had some unique perspectives.

September 11, 2001, I was Director of Resident Services and Public Relations for a large retirement community in Northern Virginia. I was in a staff meeting when someone rushed in and said a plane had hit the World Trade Center. Always very happy to get out of the time-wasting staff meeting, I thought it was a pretty sick joke, but at least it ended the meeting. Then I went down to the Multipurpose Room and tuned into the giant TV. It was for real. I watched the second plane hit. I couldn’t process what I was seeing.

Just one year before, my daughter and I were in the lobby of the World Trade Center waiting in line for cheap Broadway tickets. I remember thinking to myself, “Gosh, this place has a lot of glass.” We then went to the lower levels, to a shopping mall with many different banks, to exchange her foreign currency. She had just gotten back from a band trip to Europe. This all flashed through my brain as I watched the plane hit. I had been there.

More and more residents came from their cottages and apartments to watch the big screen TV. Sadness filled the room. Though the mood was somber, many had comments and they were all of the opinion, “This country has seen war before and we’ll see it again. We’ll get through this.”

It began to hit home even more for many of them when the Pentagon was attacked. Many had children and grandchildren working in the Pentagon. For some unknown reason, mine was the only cell phone that worked throughout the day so many residents came to my office to borrow it as they checked on their families.



West side of Pentagon two weeks after American Airlines Flight 77 crashed on September 11th.

Then, I thought of my own family. My middle daughter just started at UT. I couldn’t reach her at first. My youngest daughter was a senior in high school. I got word they were in a lock down status, so I knew she was safe. Those of us who lived in the Washington D.C. area didn’t know if we were under attack My oldest daughter, who literally lived across the street from the Pentagon, was asleep. She worked a late shift at the veterinary clinic the night before. When I called, she was unaware of what had happened. By mid-morning traffic was in a historic snarl in the entire Washington D.C. Metro area. I told her to try to get out of there and get down I-95. It was impossible. She vaguely remembered hearing the crash when the plane hit. She thought a massive crane fell next to Pentagon City where there was construction. I told her to look out the window. She was amazed to find the Pentagon on fire. Military helicopters were everywhere, buzzing eye-level with her 15th story apartment. Throughout the day I received eyewitness reports from her as to what was going on.

Residents at this upscale retirement community were very well educated and generally of high rank in the military, CIA or government before they retired. We had a number of former POW’s who were held in German camps during World War II. I had spoken to many of them about these experiences. They lived in a fascinating era, and had unbelievable experiences. Normally these residents were not willing to talk about their war experiences, but on September 11th, several were more vocal than usual.

The two chaplains, both from the same era, were available for counseling of staff and residents throughout the week. Later in the week, a memorial service was held. So many of the residents told me that once again, their faith would get them through this. They believed in this country.

I was concerned about one of my best friends, Kathy and her husband Joe, who lived in Manhattan at the time. The phone lines to New York were impossible so I emailed her. Due to the confusion, there was no public transportation in the city that day. Kathy left work in mid-town Manhattan and walked home, about 40 blocks. I’ll never forget her email that night. “All of these people were walking from Ground Zero. They were covered in ash and their eyes were hollow. Their eyes were just hollow.” They were in shock. She saw hundreds and hundreds of people in this state.

That morning, I took particular note of the weather. It was incredibly clear. The skies were blue and you could feel autumn in the air. About 250 miles from suburban Virginia was New York City. They had identical weather. How many days in your life do you remember kind of weather you were having that day? For some reason, I’ll always remember how blue the sky was.

MIDDLE-OF-THE-NIGHT TV – A WASTELAND OF SHAMELESS PROMOTING

I have watched a lot of TV at strange hours for the past eight weeks because of my foot injury. When the pain starts, I wake up and turn on the great wasteland.

Incomprehensible to me are cartoons and jewelry sales. At least three stations at 3:45 a.m. had cartoons. What kids watch cartoons at that hour? I know of one case that was somewhat similar. My youngest daughter, Julianne, from age five on, stood on a chair and turned on a “The Sound of Music” Beta tape every Saturday morning for years, full volume at 6:00 a.m. sharp, much to the dislike of her sisters. But she didn’t watch cartoons at 3:45 a.m.

And Jewelry sales? Who the heck is watching this stuff? Is there a nocturnal sub-culture with a serious need to buy jewelry at 2:00 a.m? I mean, who REALLY needs a tanzanite bracelet at that hour?

But the most amazing of all is the junk for sale. I am completely amazed. These middle-of-the-night pitchmen and women are without shame. Here are a few things I’ve viewed recently. The product names are changed to protect the guilty.

--A CUTTING MACHINE that creates designs for scrapbooks…or quilts…or clothes. This thing has hundreds of buttons, and, no doubt would take an MIT engineer to operate it. It even puts vinyl decorations all over your patio. That’s what we all want; doily-shaped vinyl crap on our patios.

--A SPRAY-ON MAKEUP that takes years off your face. An “airbrush foundation” mixes spray-on make-up with air to cover all wrinkles and puffiness. Why wouldn’t a fan in the bathroom do the same?

--MATRESS SALES are too numerous to mention, but AT LEAST, unlike jewelry, that makes sense in the middle of the night.

-VITAMINS, VITAMINS, VITAMINS. One of these pathetic commercials features women in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, all of who are serious victims of idiot plastic surgeons. All have, as Vince calls it, the “perpetually surprised” looks on their faces. This one is only $6.95 and you can get your money back if you send the empty bottle back to them. That’s just too easy.

-JEANS…LOTS OF JEANS TO MAKE YOU LOOK SLIM. They are only about $59. Let me clue you in – Gloria Vanderbilt stretch jeans at Kohl’s are $21.

-TEDDY BEARS. This was one of my favorites. Teddy Bears from “most” states, with the state quarter in their back paws, “are very valuable ($29 for a set) and rare.” And, after all, as the pitchmeister says, who wants a “traditional teddy bear with a fat face.” Excuse me. Didn’t we all have cute and cuddly teddy bears with fat faces when we were kids? Do we really want a new generation of anorexic teddy bears? They are SUPPOSED to be fat!

DIETS. There are many of these, but there was one in particular that sparked my interest. With this one, you can eat anything, as long as you train your metabolism to do something or other. I watched this for 15 minutes and never had a clue. This guy was amongst the slickest and creepiest. Brownies, pancakes, cakes...anything you can “put in your mouth,” as long as you train your system. HUH???

REAL ESTATE INVESTING. This guy was about as rough as they come. To cut down on production costs, he drives his car and delivers his pitch to a web cam perched on the dashboard. He never leaves his car. Unbelievable.

EXERCISE PROGRAMS. These are endless, but the best one is the Turkish athlete who endorses a 12-pack of DVD’s that promote (you’re not going to believe this), “muscle confusion.” Apparently this inventor-slickster was so desperate that he had to go to Turkey to find some broke schmuck to pitch this. This one was outwardly funny.

VACUUM CLEANERS. There are a few of these, but the best is the “Garry,” which, I assume is named after the guy’s kid. To demonstrate the power of the “Garry,” this guy (with a really bad toupee) takes sandbags filled with ten years of “dirt” and throws them, one by one, on an outdoor patio carpet. He said there is animal hair and kibble and all sorts of stuff in them. Yuk. The poor guy he has demonstrating the “Garry” has been vacuuming for “three days.” Undoubtedly this vacuuming stooge is from Central Casting, and he doesn’t even look tired.

****
MY OWN SHAMELESS INVENTION…….I think I will invent the “Vince.” It leaves two weeks of newspaper on the coffee table along with candy wrappers, mail and magazines. It doesn’t pick up anything. But, then again, neither do I. How can we make a buck on that?