Cool Jobs I Never Had

As another Labor Day passed on Monday, I began thinking about all the cool jobs I never had. When I was a kid, I thought I might want to be: 1. a veterinarian; 2. a meteorologist; 3. an astronomer. This was after I recited the required childhood goals of actress, dancer and Mouseketeer. I loved animals, I was interested in the weather and the night sky always fascinated me. Then, I found out science was involved.

Being a vet would be cool, I once thought. Until it came time for the blood and guts. The next best thing to being a vet is having a daughter who is currently a vet tech. The stories she tells me are filled with details of operating room procedures, dogs who have been hit by cars and many unspeakable things. Thank heaven for people in that profession. I’ve $upported them well over the years. Meteorology would be an interesting profession, but I learned there was a lot of science AND math, my downfall. Some meteorologists must be grandfathered out of that requirement. Willard Scott once told me “Melanie, I don’t have a clue. I hold my finger up in the air and try to figure out which way the wind is blowing.”

Becoming an astronomer and looking at stars would be neat, too, but once again, that took a lot of math, and even the really tough stuff like calculus. I barely got through high school algebra. To this day I don’t know how A + B = C. I still say that’s comparing apples and oranges.

So, had no math or science skills. But I did have a lot of music, dance and skating skills (which I already knew paid badly), so I went into journalism and broadcasting, areas in which you really need no skills at all….except writing. The problem of not having a job is prevalent in this industry. There are always great opportunities to be laid off. If you want to go to journalism school, you’d better get used to saying “Do you want fries with that?”

The day of my college graduation from UT, I traveled to Washington, D. C. where I was hired as Press Secretary for my congressman from Illinois. Capitol Hill is a great training ground for those with no skills. You learn graduate level Lying 101. After a year on the Hill, I went to the White House Press Office. This, I soon learned, was lying on the PhD. level. This was for the big boys and girls. There was a bit of acting there, too, and I wish I had paid more attention to an acting class I had to take at UT. The White House level of spin was a challenge. Not only did you know the answers the press wanted and couldn’t give them, but you had to look stupid, without being stupid and let them know that you knew that they knew that you knew the answers. Every day was a challenge.

Still, with no discernable skills as a writer/PR person and having lost my job in the presidential election, I went on to the Chamber of Commerce of the U.S. as a lobbyist. This was fun, and they paid you well for it. These were not life and death national security issues. This wasn’t nearly as hard as working for local or national constituents. This was creative and you got to spin things much more.

My daughters had some interesting ideas about their future vocations when they were little. Lindsay wanted to be a clown. She was really into clowns until her sister Maren told her that clowns couldn’t have babies. This clown reproductive theory was a raging battle at our house for years. And now, we have the last laugh since the clown gave birth to Clarissa, a little clown. Now a music teacher (not at Clown College), Lindsay switched to music somewhere along the way.

Julianne wanted to be a “Barbie Doll clothes scientist.” We never figured out what that meant, but, being the youngest, she was always being teased about this potential career. This provided years of laughs for the other two. This glamorous goal of Julianne’s never made sense to me, because all the Barbies, and we had hundreds of them, were always naked. They never had clothes on, thanks to Julianne. In fact, most had short or no hair because she cut their hair. Often they were beheaded, for whatever bizarre reason. When we had a major flood in the basement, a frequent occurrence in that house, all of the naked and beheaded Barbies floated around in a bizarre river of doll death. Making the segue from Barbie fashionista, Julianne is now a theatrical lighting designer.

Maren is the only who stayed permanently focused on her childhood dream of helping animals. She sees the most gruesome stuff every day, but she keeps cool and loves her job. Maren did, though, at about 12 years old, have one potential vocation in mind and that was to be a nun. She said it only lasted for 15 minutes. Sister Mary Partyondude.

What did you want to be when you were a kid? Send me some quotable thoughts. It’s always interesting to hear what people have to say. Vince, for instance, wanted to be a cowboy until he learned he was afraid of cows. That’s the title of one of his books.