MIDDLE-OF-THE-NIGHT TV – A WASTELAND OF SHAMELESS PROMOTING
I have watched a lot of TV at strange hours for the past eight weeks because of my foot injury. When the pain starts, I wake up and turn on the great wasteland.
Incomprehensible to me are cartoons and jewelry sales. At least three stations at 3:45 a.m. had cartoons. What kids watch cartoons at that hour? I know of one case that was somewhat similar. My youngest daughter, Julianne, from age five on, stood on a chair and turned on a “The Sound of Music” Beta tape every Saturday morning for years, full volume at 6:00 a.m. sharp, much to the dislike of her sisters. But she didn’t watch cartoons at 3:45 a.m.
And Jewelry sales? Who the heck is watching this stuff? Is there a nocturnal sub-culture with a serious need to buy jewelry at 2:00 a.m? I mean, who REALLY needs a tanzanite bracelet at that hour?
But the most amazing of all is the junk for sale. I am completely amazed. These middle-of-the-night pitchmen and women are without shame. Here are a few things I’ve viewed recently. The product names are changed to protect the guilty.
--A CUTTING MACHINE that creates designs for scrapbooks…or quilts…or clothes. This thing has hundreds of buttons, and, no doubt would take an MIT engineer to operate it. It even puts vinyl decorations all over your patio. That’s what we all want; doily-shaped vinyl crap on our patios.
--A SPRAY-ON MAKEUP that takes years off your face. An “airbrush foundation” mixes spray-on make-up with air to cover all wrinkles and puffiness. Why wouldn’t a fan in the bathroom do the same?
--MATRESS SALES are too numerous to mention, but AT LEAST, unlike jewelry, that makes sense in the middle of the night.
-VITAMINS, VITAMINS, VITAMINS. One of these pathetic commercials features women in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, all of who are serious victims of idiot plastic surgeons. All have, as Vince calls it, the “perpetually surprised” looks on their faces. This one is only $6.95 and you can get your money back if you send the empty bottle back to them. That’s just too easy.
-JEANS…LOTS OF JEANS TO MAKE YOU LOOK SLIM. They are only about $59. Let me clue you in – Gloria Vanderbilt stretch jeans at Kohl’s are $21.
-TEDDY BEARS. This was one of my favorites. Teddy Bears from “most” states, with the state quarter in their back paws, “are very valuable ($29 for a set) and rare.” And, after all, as the pitchmeister says, who wants a “traditional teddy bear with a fat face.” Excuse me. Didn’t we all have cute and cuddly teddy bears with fat faces when we were kids? Do we really want a new generation of anorexic teddy bears? They are SUPPOSED to be fat!
DIETS. There are many of these, but there was one in particular that sparked my interest. With this one, you can eat anything, as long as you train your metabolism to do something or other. I watched this for 15 minutes and never had a clue. This guy was amongst the slickest and creepiest. Brownies, pancakes, cakes...anything you can “put in your mouth,” as long as you train your system. HUH???
REAL ESTATE INVESTING. This guy was about as rough as they come. To cut down on production costs, he drives his car and delivers his pitch to a web cam perched on the dashboard. He never leaves his car. Unbelievable.
EXERCISE PROGRAMS. These are endless, but the best one is the Turkish athlete who endorses a 12-pack of DVD’s that promote (you’re not going to believe this), “muscle confusion.” Apparently this inventor-slickster was so desperate that he had to go to Turkey to find some broke schmuck to pitch this. This one was outwardly funny.
VACUUM CLEANERS. There are a few of these, but the best is the “Garry,” which, I assume is named after the guy’s kid. To demonstrate the power of the “Garry,” this guy (with a really bad toupee) takes sandbags filled with ten years of “dirt” and throws them, one by one, on an outdoor patio carpet. He said there is animal hair and kibble and all sorts of stuff in them. Yuk. The poor guy he has demonstrating the “Garry” has been vacuuming for “three days.” Undoubtedly this vacuuming stooge is from Central Casting, and he doesn’t even look tired.
****
MY OWN SHAMELESS INVENTION…….I think I will invent the “Vince.” It leaves two weeks of newspaper on the coffee table along with candy wrappers, mail and magazines. It doesn’t pick up anything. But, then again, neither do I. How can we make a buck on that?
I have watched a lot of TV at strange hours for the past eight weeks because of my foot injury. When the pain starts, I wake up and turn on the great wasteland.
Incomprehensible to me are cartoons and jewelry sales. At least three stations at 3:45 a.m. had cartoons. What kids watch cartoons at that hour? I know of one case that was somewhat similar. My youngest daughter, Julianne, from age five on, stood on a chair and turned on a “The Sound of Music” Beta tape every Saturday morning for years, full volume at 6:00 a.m. sharp, much to the dislike of her sisters. But she didn’t watch cartoons at 3:45 a.m.
And Jewelry sales? Who the heck is watching this stuff? Is there a nocturnal sub-culture with a serious need to buy jewelry at 2:00 a.m? I mean, who REALLY needs a tanzanite bracelet at that hour?
But the most amazing of all is the junk for sale. I am completely amazed. These middle-of-the-night pitchmen and women are without shame. Here are a few things I’ve viewed recently. The product names are changed to protect the guilty.
--A CUTTING MACHINE that creates designs for scrapbooks…or quilts…or clothes. This thing has hundreds of buttons, and, no doubt would take an MIT engineer to operate it. It even puts vinyl decorations all over your patio. That’s what we all want; doily-shaped vinyl crap on our patios.
--A SPRAY-ON MAKEUP that takes years off your face. An “airbrush foundation” mixes spray-on make-up with air to cover all wrinkles and puffiness. Why wouldn’t a fan in the bathroom do the same?
--MATRESS SALES are too numerous to mention, but AT LEAST, unlike jewelry, that makes sense in the middle of the night.
-VITAMINS, VITAMINS, VITAMINS. One of these pathetic commercials features women in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, all of who are serious victims of idiot plastic surgeons. All have, as Vince calls it, the “perpetually surprised” looks on their faces. This one is only $6.95 and you can get your money back if you send the empty bottle back to them. That’s just too easy.
-JEANS…LOTS OF JEANS TO MAKE YOU LOOK SLIM. They are only about $59. Let me clue you in – Gloria Vanderbilt stretch jeans at Kohl’s are $21.
-TEDDY BEARS. This was one of my favorites. Teddy Bears from “most” states, with the state quarter in their back paws, “are very valuable ($29 for a set) and rare.” And, after all, as the pitchmeister says, who wants a “traditional teddy bear with a fat face.” Excuse me. Didn’t we all have cute and cuddly teddy bears with fat faces when we were kids? Do we really want a new generation of anorexic teddy bears? They are SUPPOSED to be fat!
DIETS. There are many of these, but there was one in particular that sparked my interest. With this one, you can eat anything, as long as you train your metabolism to do something or other. I watched this for 15 minutes and never had a clue. This guy was amongst the slickest and creepiest. Brownies, pancakes, cakes...anything you can “put in your mouth,” as long as you train your system. HUH???
REAL ESTATE INVESTING. This guy was about as rough as they come. To cut down on production costs, he drives his car and delivers his pitch to a web cam perched on the dashboard. He never leaves his car. Unbelievable.
EXERCISE PROGRAMS. These are endless, but the best one is the Turkish athlete who endorses a 12-pack of DVD’s that promote (you’re not going to believe this), “muscle confusion.” Apparently this inventor-slickster was so desperate that he had to go to Turkey to find some broke schmuck to pitch this. This one was outwardly funny.
VACUUM CLEANERS. There are a few of these, but the best is the “Garry,” which, I assume is named after the guy’s kid. To demonstrate the power of the “Garry,” this guy (with a really bad toupee) takes sandbags filled with ten years of “dirt” and throws them, one by one, on an outdoor patio carpet. He said there is animal hair and kibble and all sorts of stuff in them. Yuk. The poor guy he has demonstrating the “Garry” has been vacuuming for “three days.” Undoubtedly this vacuuming stooge is from Central Casting, and he doesn’t even look tired.
****
MY OWN SHAMELESS INVENTION…….I think I will invent the “Vince.” It leaves two weeks of newspaper on the coffee table along with candy wrappers, mail and magazines. It doesn’t pick up anything. But, then again, neither do I. How can we make a buck on that?
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