WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD TV THEME SONGS?

Can you sing the words to any current TV show? And “Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men…” doesn’t count.

That’s because there are none, no words.

Remember "Mr. Ed?" “A horse is a horse, of course, of course…”
And "The Adams Family" “They’re creepy and they’re spooky….”
How about "Car 54 Where Are You?" “There’s a hold-up in the Bronx, Brooklyn’s broken out in fights…..Khrushchev’s due at Idyllwild….Car 54 where are you?”
Everybody remembers "The Beverly Hillbillies," “Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed…up from the ground come a bubbling’ crude…oil that is….Texas tea ”
How could we ever forget "Gilligan’s Island….".”Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… a three hour tour, a three hour tour….”
And, of course, "Green Acres," “Green Acres is the place for me, farm livin’ is the life for me..”

What has happened? Why don’t we hear those great theme songs anymore? Even in the 70’s with goofy shows like “Three’s Company” there were still theme songs. Are the producers just not putting the money into theme songs? Or, is it because there are more commercials and not enough time for theme songs?

All we seem to have now is one word themes like “Men,” titled, I assume “Men,” for “Two And A Half Men” that goes “Men, men, men, men, manly men, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo, doo doo….” Come on. Can’t we do better than that???????

If it’s money, can’t the networks pitch in? When they spend a gazillion dollars on NFL half time shows that feature performers like Faith Hill or Toby Keith (singing songs that you don’t remember five minutes later) can’t they throw a few bucks to their leading shows to give them a theme song?

Are they going to use these current generic crummy theme songs again? Maybe it’s kind of like “re-gifting.” Some people get something they don’t like for Christmas, so they “re-gift.” I have a relative and his wife who are famous for that. Perhaps the networks are thinking that by using the current unrecognizable generic theme songs for the 2009-2010 season, that by 2013 they can bring them back and attach them to another show. I guess that’s the same concept as church construction today. A friend of mine is a commercial loan officer at a major bank in Chicago. He said they would not loan money to new churches if they look like a church. HUH??? Asked why, he said, “When they go under, we want to be able to rent or sell the building. A traditional church with a steeple is hard to sell to Wal-Mart.” So, are re-useable theme songs the way of the future?

“Mash” and “Hill Street Blues” and “Hawaii 5-0” all had very recognizable instrumental themes. “Dick Van Dyke” and “The Carol Burnett Show” had great themes. “The Andy Griffith Show” theme consisted of whistling and everyone who grew up in the 60’s can instantly whistle that one. “The Twilight Zone” had four notes repeated over and over, but you knew you were going to get the heck scared out of you for the next thirty minutes.


Even the animated characters had theme songs. “Bugs Bunny,” “Woody Woodpecker,” and “The Muppets” all had recognizable theme songs.

Generally speaking, some of the commercials have better music than the shows. And that’s sad. When the best music you hear on TV is the broken-hearted mop singing the 1977 hit “Baby, Come Back” because the woman jilted it for a new Swifter mop, it’s apparent we are in a music wasteland.

As writers, I will volunteer Vince and myself to write a new, recognizable theme song if you should invent a new, successful and profitable hit TV show. We’ll talk royalties later. You can even own it….just bring back the music!!!!